Searching for Wings
by Fallain
Summary: Since Gabriel ran away from Heaven he had changed from the Arch Angel Castiel once fell in love with.  After the apocalypse, is Gabriel gone for good or can Castiel find him and help him regain his wings?  Gabriel/Castiel


Searching for Wings

Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Supernatural

Warnings: male/male gay love, Castiel/Gabriel, sexual situations

Notes: This was originally going to be a one-shot about Castiel's past with Gabriel and then how he handled Changing Channels and then finding out about Gabriel's death but then I decided that I refuse to accept Gabriel being dead and i'm continuing it.

Anahel is Anna. I looked up a list of angels and it was the closest I could find to her name and I wanted to keep them similar.

Chapter 1: Never Forgotten

Castiel was considered a young angel even though he was thousands of years old. He was centuries younger than the first created angels, the Arch Angels, and he was even below a higher rank of angels such as Zachariah and Anahel.

In Heaven, Castiel's true form had eyes so blue that some of the other angels joked about how God must have taken color from the ocean to create them. His hair was jet black and fell just long enough to tuck behind his ears to keep out of his face.

Heaven was, well, heaven for Castiel. He enjoyed his job, looking after the humans below alongside Uriel and working underneath Anahels supervision. She always had a sweet smile, although it didn't quite light up her eyes and sometimes he caught her staring down at the Earth with a wistful, sad, faraway look. He wasn't actually surprised the day that she fell and ripped out her grace. He missed her dearly as a younger brother misses the sister that looked after him all his life but he was happy for her because he knew that she was going somewhere where a real smile could shine on her face and she wouldn't spend her life wishing for something else.

After all, he believed in his father. And he didn't believe that God would have made them and then wanted them to be unhappy. Uriel was furious. He said it was blasphamous and it made Anahel a traitor and went down to Earth to retreieve her grace so that she could never regain her wings again but somehow Castiel didn't think it mattered. He didn't think she would ever want them back.

With the exception of Anahel, most other angels enjoyed their lives in Heaven as well. Most were kind and happy to look after the imperfect creations that their father had placed on the small blue marble below them because they thrived to please their father and followed his orders dutifully. If any of them wished for anything different, they didn't dare whisper it out loud. The punishment for being anything less than loyal to their father was to be cast down to Earth, or worse, Hell as a fallen angel.

Some angels had willingly fallen after Lucifer had been cast out of Heaven and into the pit, such as Azazel. And some not so willingly such as Dubbiel and Abaddon. They were of higher rank though, and much closer to the Arch Angels than he was. They were there when Michael first cast Lucifer down and they knew what had happened first hand instead of a story whispered down from angel to angel.

And of course word of it spread like wild fire- no pun intended from Michael's flame sword. That Lucifer had disobeyed a direct order, that he had refused to bow down before the humans and watch and serve them and God had Michael literally throw his youngest brother out of their home and into the worst place imaginable that was created specifically for him and the sinned humans.

However, as if the rumors weren't bad enough, the Arch Angels finally stepped down and into the light and Castiel saw them for the first time. They usually remained hidden and rarly allowed other angels to see them and it was the first time for many to lay eyes on the first created angels - the most powerful angels.

Anahel was still with them at that time. She stood in-between Uriel and Castiel as the Arch Angels's called an assembly and stood before all of the citizens of Heaven.

It was obvious that there was an empty spot on Michael's right side where Lucifer should have stood beside his brother but no one dared mention it. Michael was standing infront of the others, his sapphire blue eyes sparkled like the most beautiful gem stone any human would ever be lucky enough to lay their eyes on. His golden hair fell to his shoulders, framing his perfect, slender porcalean face and he stood taller than his younger brothers with his head held high in authority. After all, Michael was the ruler of order in Heaven while God was away. He was the good- no, the best son.

To Michael's left, slightly behind him was Raphael. He had a slightly darker complexion and dark green eyes that reminded Castiel of grass with morning dew stuck to its blades. His hair was curly and dark brown, and was sweapt away from his face to expose his ears and high cheekbones. He didn't look nearly as gentle or kind as Michael and instead, looked like he was built for battle with his thick neck and strong jaw which Castiel found ironic considering Raphael was basically supposed to be the medic for battles, and not actually a warrior.

To Rapahel's left- far left, scooted off to the side as if he wanted as much distance from his older brothers as possible stood Gabriel.

Castiel was momentarily stunned, which wasn't something that happened to an angel often. He heard about the Arch Angel's beauty, wisdom and power, but he never imagined how right they were about it. He'd always imagined Michael being the most beautiful, since he was the first created. And many of the angels apparently though so, but Castiel found himself compleatly captivated by Gabriel.

While Michael confirmed the rumors about having to throw Lucifer out, re-assured everyone that everything was going to be fine and laid down rules that pertained to watching the humans, Castiel barely listened. He was too busy watching Gabriel.

Gabriel had the same pale, slender, porcelean facial features that Michael did. His lips were small and a light pink tinge and looked soft to touch. His long eyelashes covered his eyes as he looked down at the ground, his arms crossed across his chest as if he were tyring to protect himself, hold himself together, instead of standing in a commanding and authoritive way such as Michael and Raphael were. But whenever his gaze would flicker up to them, he could catch the bright emerald color that shone, more beautiful than anything Castiel could think to compare it to. If sunrises were green, they'd be Gabriel's eyes, lighting up the dark skies with their bright color.

His hair was a golden ginger fell past his shoulder in wavy heaps, covering the right side of his face since he had apparently refused to bind it back. It was sweapt back behind his shoulder on his left side however, and exposed his long slender neck. It looked soft to touch too and Castiel wondered if he'd be allowed to touch it and find out.

Soon after they came, too soon, they left.

Uriel turned to him. "What do you think about that?" He asked, mildly amused.

Castiel tilted his head to the side, pondering the question for the moment. "Gabriel looked sad." He knew Uriel was reffering to the commandments but he couldn't keep his mind off the giner-haired arch angel and the sorrow that he had seen reflecting in those emerald orbs.

"Yeah, I heard he wasn't too happy about Michael and Lucifer fighting." Uriel shrugged. "But he keeps up this attitude he's got and he won't have to worry about missing Lucifer. God will throw him right down there with him next. You mark my words. He was acting compleatly disrespectful."

"Careful Uriel." Anahel warned. "It may be so but speaking in such a way about an Arch Angel is as bad as blasphomy as well."

Castiel carefully hid the slight panic he felt at Uriel's words. He felt compelled to chase after the older angel and warn him of the danger he was in but it would be useless. A low rank angel like Castiel didn't have acess to his chamber and he was sure that after watching Lucifer fall himself, he knew the risk he was at.

But he couldn't stand the idea of Gabriel in Hell. His beautiful hair mixing it's oranges with the color of flames licking his ivory body. He hadn't heard him speak but in his mind he could hear his agonized screams as he writhed in pain and the mental images made him sick.

While he was supposed to be watching the humans, he couldn't keep his mind off of Gabriel. Gabriel's hair, eyes, lips and his small feminine nose or slightly pointed ears even. Just the image of the angel haunted Castiel, just the image of him just standing there. Then it'd morph into Gabriel standing in the middle of one of the lovely meadows on Earth with all the flowers in bloom around him as the long grass and his hair blew in the refreshing spring breeze.

But when those images morphed into Gabriel burning, trapped, in Hell, Castiel had to shake his attention back to whatever he was doing at the moment. Only to have them slip back into his mind mere minutes later.

He felt like he had been poisoned. Gabriel was always in his throughts and he longed to see him again so badly that it would have hurt if he could feel pain.

One day he asked Anahel if it were possible that God had created the angels with the ability to love.

"No." She whispered sadly, and her voice held a hint of longing. "Only the humans are that lucky. We were only created with the ability for devotion. To serve."

That must be what this feeling was. Just strong, loyal devotion to a more powerful angel and that was all. He didn't understand why he didn't feel this way towards Michael or Rapahael though. Or even Anahel who he was closer to than any of the other angels in Heaven.

The days stretched on to be what seemed like longer and longer while he couldn't keep his focus. Until one night, he watched the sun go down in America that had yet to be named and was getting ready to switch to another country where the sun was still up. They say angels watch over you while you sleep, but it was actually quite the opposite. They watched over your daily actions and as soon as you were asleep they'd search for someone else that needed their silent guidence and care.

He sensed another pressecence stronger than Anahels close to him and spun around, his dark blue eyes scanning the empty room he was in until it fell on a figure a few yards away. With long golden ginger hair falling down its back unlike any other angel he had ever seen- except one.

"Gabriel."

Gabriel glanced to the side, seeming mildly surprised to find Castiel standing there. He was leaning forward with his arms propped up onto the low wall that stood between Heaven where Castiel had been watching Earth and a straight free fall down to the planet itself.

"Castiel. Good to see you." Although his voice held no hint of joy that he was actually glad to see the younger angel. He just sounded tired. Exhausted and emotionally defeated.

"You know my name." It was a statement of understanding, and not a question.

Gabriel nodded. "I know all the angels in Heaven. I was there when you were created."

Castiel silently betrated himself for not assuming that already. Gabriel must think he was one of the slow angels or something with the way he was acting.

"Castiel, can you do me a favor?" Gabriel looked up and locked eyes with Castiel and he felt like his body was melting with warmth. It was a strange feeling unlike anything he had ever experienced before and he couldn't wrap his mind around why he was feeling this way. Was this really merely how loyalty and devotion felt?

"Anything." He'd do anything for the older angel and suddenly with alarm, realized this was probably how Azazel and the other fallen angels had felt when they willingly followed Lucifer's decent into Hell. Was it still only loyalty and devotion?

"Don't tell anyone, OK?" He gave Castiel a small smile and he only had a second's warning as realization of what was happening sunk into his mind.

Gabriel was leaving Heaven.

Castiel rushed forward as Gabriel perched himself on the ledge, ready to drop through the clouds and grabbed a fistful of his tunic shirt. The fabric felt silky and slippery in his hands, almost like holding water and he tightened his grip so it wouldn't slide out of his hands. Gabriel just looked down at him, not alarmed by his actions or offended that a lower ranking angel was touching him but slightly confused instead and pursed his soft pink lips together.

Gabriel sighed, his eyes softened and Castiel could see the deep pain reflecting in their emerald depths.

"Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your brother fall?"

Castiel shook his head. "Are you going to make me find out? Please, don't go- don't fall." He sounded like he was begging and he didn't care. He didn't know if he was going to be able to stand watching his idol go over the edge and never come back. The idea of living the rest of eternity without Gabriel at his rightful place in Heaven seemed unbearable.

He was suddenly, quickly aware of how close to Gabriel he was. Close enough to see the golden strands mixed in with his ginger hair and every curl that cascaded down his back in rivlets. Everything from the way his hair fell to the way his clothing moved and felt screamed that this was the angel whose element was water and like water, he couldn't be captured by mere hands. He was going to slip through Castiel's fingers and there was nothing he could do but stand by and watch.

He moved one of his hands down, his fingers brushing against Gabriel's skin and it was just as soft as he'd imagined all those times.

"It's ok Cas, i'm not falling. Just...running away." He bit his bottom lip thoughtfully and for a second Castiel wondered if his lips were as soft as he imagined as well.

"Cas?" He asked instead.

"Yeah. A nickname for you. It suits you."

"And you'll be ok if you...run away?" The words felt odd in his mouth, like verbal vomit.

Gabriel nodded. "Will you miss me?"

"Yes." Castiel answered automatically in a heartbeat.

Gabriel looked at him, considering him for a second before smiling sadly.

"No. You won't. You don't know how."

He put his hand around Castiel's forcing him to let go of his shirt and Castiel watched helplessly as his beloved angel plummeted out of his sight with a flash of blinding light, taking his heart with him.

SPN SPN SPN SPN SPN

Over two thousand years later, Castiel gripped the amulet tightly in his hands as if he could will it to grow hot and reveal his father by sheer willpower alone.

Or at least reveal where Sam and Dean had vanished to.

He'd gotten a phone call from Dean but at the moment he had felt like he had been so close to finding God that he ignored it and let it go straight to voicemail. Then when it turned out that he had hit another dead end, he fished the human device out of his pocket and listened to the voicemail.

"Hey Cas, " the voice on the other end crackled and Castiel still wasn't used to hearing that nickname from the human's mouth. No one had called him Cas except for Gabriel on that fateful day that he fell on Heaven. No one until Dean.

It was only an abbriviation of his name to make it shorter, but part of him felt like when Gabriel had used it, it felt different, more like an endearment.

The voicemail went on to tell him and Dean and Sam were hunting a creature called the Trickster and gave the hotel room and location of where they were since Castiel could never find them anymore thanks to his own enochian sigils that he had carved into their ribs.

He'd angel-ported to the hotel room given only to find it empty although all of their belongings were still there. The Impala wasn't parked outside so he only assumed that they were still out hunting and sat on one of the beds, probably Sams since the blanket was neatly folded, and waited for them to return.

This thoughts consumed him. The strain of looking for his father, avoiding Heaven and fighting demons was taking its toll on him both emotionally and physically. Just because he was one of Heaven's warriors didn't mean he was used to fighting like this. Especially not everyday like he currently was.

Who would have thought a year ago, that Castiel would have fallen? Who would have thought that he would have found Anahel in the human disguise of Anna and watched her regain her grace, only to be re-captured by Heaven because of his own betrayel to her, and then slain by Michael. Who would have thought that Uriel was a traitor and that Castiel and Anna would have had to kill him?

But now both Uriel and Anahel were gone forever. The angels that he had existed with ever since he could remember. All he had left close to him were these few humans that he was desperatly trying to help and protect. Sam, Dean, and Bobby. Jo and Ellen even and he felt guilty still that he had been trapped by Lucifer and Meg at the time that they needed his help the most.

And he couldn't forget that he had played a part in releasing Lucifer as well. It was him that released Sam from Bobby's basement to go kill Lilith. He had seen the error of his ways and freed Dean to go stop him but his efforts had been too late. The plans had been set in motion and all he could do then was wait by Chuck for Raphael to smite him for his continued betrayal.

But he'd come back. God had given him a second chance which gave him hope that he was on the right path, the path that God wanted him to take to help save the humans and all the other helpless creatures on this planet that he had created.

But lastly, who would have thought that he'd see Lucifer the famous fallen angel of darkness that had once been known as the Morning Star for the first time, before he ever saw Gabriel again?

Gabriel had promised that he would be OK. So where was he in this mess of an apocalypse? Castiel assumed that he would have run into him by now, living amongst the humans like Anna, but he hadn't found any evidence that Gabriel had torn out his grace like she had.

He couldn't find anything at all that even hinted that Gabriel was on Earth. All those many years ago when Gabriel fell, he hadn't taken his bloodline vessel. There was no other human on Earth that could have contained his specific power within it. There was no where else that he could be.

It seemed like he just vanished into thin air.

After a day of waiting in that dark, empty hotel room; Castiel began to realize that something was wrong. Whenever he tried calling Sam or Dean their phones went straight to voicemail and they never had their phones off. Especially not at the same time. Something was going on but with the enochian sigils on them they were nearly impossible to find.

Nearly. But being the angel that inscribed them in the first place, he finally managed to track the Impala to an abandonded warehouse on the outskirts of town. The rusty building seemed to pulse with a power, more powerful than any magic he had encountered before on Earth. It was threatening and intimidating yet somehow familiar and made him feel safe and confident to enter inside of it.

Right into the middle of a brightly lit room full of Japanese people with Sam and Dean standing on strange contraptions that had their legs strapped down so they couldn't move.

"Castiel? What are you doing here?" Dean shouted in confusion. Sam was doubled over in pain and looked unable to voice anything aloud as Castiel looked around, compleatly baffled at what was going on. He had seen alot of strange things on Earth with these two guys but this had to take the prize for weird.

"Looking for you. You've been missing for days." His voice was rough and irritated and he reached out to grab the both of them before he felt a ripping pain flash through him as something forceful threw him out of the room.

No, not just out of the room, out of the whole area. Something had literally grabbed him, Castiel- not his vessel Jimmy. He fell to his knees in his new location, his blue eyes scanning the darkness surrounding him.

Nothing should be powerful enough to yank his esteral body through space like that. The boys said that they were hunting a Trickster but there was no way that a demi-god could possess that kind of power. He couldn't quite place where he reconized the aura from, but he knew that it was no way it was a Trickster.

He just had to find a way out of here to warn Sam and Dean. If they thought they were hunting the wrong thing they wouldn't be able to kill it. He'd become fond of the two human hunters over the past 2 years and wasn't about to let them go.

It was easier to find them the second time, already knowing where the warehouse was. He was both surprised and relived to find that whatever they were put against had not decided to change its location.

This time when he entered through the doors, he stopped to look around, hearing Dean's surprised "Cas!" once again. The walls were decorated bright green with ridiculous looking floral designs and cheesy looking furniture this time.

Sam and Dean were standing in the middle of the room looking beyond stressed and bewildered yet relived at his arrival. He could feel the area around him pulse with the familiar pressence once again and tried to hurry, to explain what was going on to them even though he was just in the dark as they were. The only difference was that he knew this wasn't a Trickster, he just didn't know exactly what it was.

It was quite literally like a slap to the face and Castiel hit the ground, being shoved down by an invisible force with duct tape over his mouth. He turned around on the floor, his ocean blue eyes wide and felt his voice catch in his throat- unable to say anything even if he hadn't had tape over his lips.

Gabriel.

After all these years of burrying what he thought he had felt for the older angel everything came rushing back up to the surface as his eyes darted back and forth between the arch angel and the humans he was supposed to be protecting.

Gabriel was much shorter on Earth in his vessel, than he had been in Heaven. In Heaven he had towered over all the other angels, and now he barely came up to Sam's shoulders. Castiel felt the urge to go up to him just to see who was taller, to see if he could look straight into his eyes.

His eyes were no longer a shimmering emerald but a duller golden olive that still left him stunned at the beauty of their color. His ginger hair was no longer long long and in curls down his back but slicked back away from his face to stop down the back of his neck where it flipped out as if it wanted to be curly but wasn't long enough. The color itself was significantly darker, more of a dark brown that showed its true ginger color only in the light.

His smile had changed as well. It was no longer soft, sad, gentle or kind. It no longer filled him with warmth, but a cold dread. Behind the sarcastic twist of his lips hinted that he was something far more powerful than Sam or Dean, or even Castiel could take on and suddenly Castiel felt panicked.

Why was Gabriel here after all these years. Had he been here this whole time? Why was he interferring with Michael and Lucifer's vessels and which side was he fighting on? Heaven, Hell, or Earth?

Before he could manage a way to tell Dean what they were up against Gabriel mocked surprise at seeing him. "Oh hiya Castiel." And with a flick of his wrist Castiel found himself back in darkness.

Castiel couldn't help but notice the irony that Gabriel , who had first called him Cas, had resorted back to his real name, and Dean and Sam were the ones running around calling him Cas. Something about that fact hurt him worse than anything that the older angel had done to him so far, or any physical pain that he could inflict on him.

He barely felt it as something long and whip-like attacked him in the dark, slicing open his skin and letting the warm blood trickle down. All he could keep picturing over and over again in his mind was the indifferent, uncaring look in Gabriel's eyes that he had seen. What had happened on Earth to twist his kind idol into this sadistic trickster.

They were right. It was a Trickster after all. Castiel refused to belive that there was anything left of the Gabriel he once knew and admired left inside of that body.

When Gabriel summoned him back he was relieved to see him in a ring of fire- meaning Sam and Dean had figured out his true idenity on their own. He couldn't move, couldn't speak as Gabriel taunted him about looking for their father. He couldn't meet those cold, hateful green eyes that were so different from the ones that he had once spoken to with such sincerity and yet belonged to the same being.

Dean flicked a switch to set off the water sprinklers and Castiel gave Gabriel one last look, a memory to last an eternity of the image of something he never wanted to see again. His angel turned into a monster.

SPN SPN SPN SPN

So this was where it left him less than a year later. With nothing but memories mixed of sad yet joyful first meetings and then bitter painful partings. He pushed aside broken glass with the toe of his shoe as he walked down the empty hallway on the carpet stained with the blood of lost Gods and Goddesses.

The hotel where Gabriel had made his first and last stand. He had chosen their side, Team Free Will, but the price had been his life. A price too high that Castiel would have been unwilling to pay if he had anything to do with it. But he hadn't.

Castiel couldn't stop the shiver that ran through his body as he walked through the broken red doors into a grand dining room. Lucifer was back in the pit but he could still feel his lingering aura here as if it had poisoned the building where he once walked and the earth would never truly be rid of his darkness.

He had been uncontious in a hospital when Gabriel had died. Dean had told him about Gabriel's noble last stand when he explained how he knew about the rings being keys. Castiel had been human then though, and unable to get here. Even after he regained his grace he found it difficult to bring himself to their particular spot. To finally, properly say good bye to Gabriel's memory.

He felt like he had betrayed Gabriel by beliving him to be a monster. He felt like he betrayed himself by never saying anything to him the last time they saw each other when he had been trapped in that holy fire. Time was something an angel had plenty of, but he couldn't help but feel like he had wasted the only time he had needed, the time that he could have spent with Gabriel.

And now he felt himself kneeling down without even thinking about it, where he could still see the ashen imprint of Gabriel's angelic wings as if they had been burnt out of existance and now the only thing that remained of Gabriel in this world was fading day by day on this dusty floor.

He reached out and touched one of the feathers and winced as the ashes flaked away.

He could hear Sam praying to him but ignored it. He knew Sam would have somehow gotten out of Hell. Winchesters never stayed down. As much as he respected Sam for his bravery to take on Lucifer, there was only one being that Castiel could give his attention to right now. The Arch Angel that had stood up to the devil first, trying to protect them all, and failed.

"Gabriel..." He whispered to the silent room. "I'm so sorry...I wasn't standing beside you." He bowed his head, not sure how to deal with the unfamiliar pang of pain in his chest. Perhaps now that the reality of Gabriel being gone forever was sinking in, this was what it felt like when your heart broke. Not just breaking, but shattering into peices like glass and stabbing what remained inside with it's sharp edges.

He should have been here. He should have been right beside Gabriel, backing him up against Lucifer and taking that final stand together.

"You promised you'd be fine..." He wasn't sure why he was whispering out loud but he couldn't stop his lips from remembering that conversation over two-thousand years ago. Gabriel hadn't been fine all this time. He had been slowly changing as the Gods and sinner humans corrupted him and pushed him to new limits until he snapped. And now this...

"This isn't fine..."

End chapter 1


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